2006-01-05 - 4:07 a.m.
Eeee, every year I say that I won't let the birthday/new year season depress me, but I don't seem to be able to duck it. I'm in a pretty profoundly awful mood these days. I'm frustrated with the way working in a large bureaucracy prevents anything from moving forward quickly, frustrated with the way that people outside of government seem to feel that if you're a civil servant they have carte blanche to be rude and disrespectful to you. I'm amazed at how, when I do presentations or go to conferences, people speak to me in a way they would never speak to their own direct colleagues, as though I somehow embody the evils of faceless bureaucracy and that means that they can be personally unpleasant to me. Trust me, I know what it's like to feel frustrated when government won't listen, or with the glacial speed that things get done, but given the number of ten and twleve hour days I put in trying to keep things moving along with my projects it's disheartening to be bitched out in public. This is why the people who actually give a damn in government burn out and leave.
My personal life is in a sad state, and everything is making me either angry or weepy, which is unpleasant for those around me but possibly even worse for me. It's a sad condition to be able to see ways in which you sabotage yourself and still not be able to get past them... I've given some thought to once again seeking Professional Help, but see above re number of ten and twleve hour days - it's difficult to find a therapist who works outside of business hours, especially when you keep having to cancel at the drop of a hat. Hopefully this year will be relatively disaster-free.
